My Rock and a Proposal

i know my husband is a doctor and is likely immune or desensitized by now what with all the "diamonds" he's encountered in his career, but still my image has been tainted. confused? let me clarify. we all have our names for that wondrous part of our bodies that stretches out and tears during childbirth. whatever name you use was started generations ago by your great-great-great grandmother and just stuck. while growing up, my mother referred to mine as "belleryawn" which in farsi translates to diamond. don't be jealous. i think it was their way of having me put my diamond on a pedestal with a big "do not touch" sign for all the world. my mom informed me on a daily basis that only my husband could touch my diamond, only he could know - it's color, cut, clarity and worth.

the point i'm trying to make here is this: my husband is used to seeing many 'diamonds.' he probably sees 10 a day. and i know he's utterly grossed out by it. he tells me so. and he probably won't ever admit it to me, but i'm pretty sure his presence during my 2 natural childbirths grossed him out. my friend has this theory and I couldn't agree more. here is the proposal: men should stay in the waiting room instead of getting a front and center seat of your diamond. in the waiting room, they are worried for you. they're pacing back and forth and thinking about you. they are imagining you as their heroine - their noble wife who commits brave deeds and possesses unbelievable courage. the husbands will picture us guiding their precious baby into the world. in their heads, we'll have this super determined look in our eyes and there will be no shouting or hysterics. in fact, our mouths will be tightly closed. they would never bear witness to the wild barbaric creature that we truly are during that time. they would hold this rosy image of us forever.

because when they're in the room with us, in their minds - it really is about how they feel, their hunger or discomfort or impatience (of course they would never admit this). and not that this has ever happened to me (pinky swear) but you know they will never look at you the same if you take a dump in the same place where their kid's head is about to pop out.

i will always wonder if alex got turned off by my births. for 9 months (times two) he put up with my whining, complaining, fat ass, and general unpleasantries. looking back, i now wish i had left him with a more sparkling image of me and my diamond.

p.s. the above picture is the only knocked up pic of taraneh you will ever see. i gotta make sure i don't taint your image of me. shoooot.